As a sexologist, one of the most common things I hear is, "I don't understand why my body is responding this way." Whether someone is experiencing low desire, painful sex, difficulty reaching orgasm, performance anxiety or emotional disconnection, they often assume their body has somehow let them down, that they’re broken or have something fundamentally wrong. While some of these factors can certainly influence our sexuality, there is another piece of the puzzle that is often overlooked, the nervous system. Often, I see something very different when people present with a disconnection from their sexual or intimate self. I see a body that has learned to protect itself.
Far from being separate from our sexual experiences, the nervous system influences every aspect of sexuality. It shapes how safe we feel in our bodies, how we respond to touch, our capacity for pleasure, our ability to communicate openly with a partner & even our experience of desire itself. Yet, despite its profound influence, few of us have ever been taught to understand the role it plays in our intimate lives. That doesn't mean every sexual concern can be explained by stress or trauma alone. Sexual wellbeing is complex & influenced by a combination of biological, psychological, relational & social factors, including physical health, hormones, medications, relationship dynamics, culture & life experiences.
Rather than replacing these perspectives, a nervous system-informed approach complements them. By helping us cultivate a greater sense of embodied safety, it allows our thinking brain to become more available, making it easier to engage in communication, therapy, education, medical treatment & other interventions that support lasting change.
Our nervous system isn't our destiny; it simply reflects what our body has learned so far.
The beautiful thing about the human brain & body is their capacity to learn. With new experiences of safety, connection & understanding, our nervous system can update old predictions, build new pathways & gradually expand our capacity for intimacy, pleasure & authentic connection.
When we begin to understand the nervous system, we stop asking, "What's wrong with me?" & begin asking a far more useful question:
"What might my body be trying to protect me from?"
That single shift has the potential to transform not only the way we think about sex, but the way we think about ourselves.
Your body is always asking one question.
Long before we consciously decide whether we feel interested in sex, our nervous system has already begun assessing our environment. Every moment of every day, our brain & body are scanning for cues of safety & danger. This happens automatically, beneath conscious awareness, continually influencing how we think, feel, connect & respond.
Neuroscientist Dr Stephen Porges describes this ongoing process as neuroception, our nervous system's subconscious evaluation of whether an environment, person or experience feels safe enough for connection. I often describe this as our internal safety radar, constantly scanning for cues of threat or safety, often before we're even aware of it.
Our nervous system doesn't stop to weigh up evidence, think logically or consider whether a response is "reasonable." Its primary role is survival, not conscious decision-making. It is constantly gathering information from our body, our relationships & our environment. By the time our thinking brain becomes aware of what's happening, our nervous system has already begun responding. This is why you may logically know you're safe with a loving partner while your body still feels tense, disconnected or reluctant to engage in intimacy.
Before your body becomes interested in pleasure, intimacy or desire, it asks a much more fundamental question:
"Am I safe?"
Not intellectually. Physiologically.
If the answer is yes, our nervous system becomes more available for curiosity, desire, arousal, pleasure & connection. We are better able to remain present with ourselves & with our partner, because our body isn't busy preparing for protection.
If the answer is no, however, the nervous system naturally shifts its priorities. Even when a perceived danger isn't life-threatening, our body may tighten, breathing may become shallower, attention may narrow & emotional availability can diminish. These responses aren't conscious choices or signs that something is wrong. They are highly intelligent adaptations designed to keep us safe.
Your nervous system isn't trying to predict pleasure. It's trying to predict safety.
Understanding this changes the conversation entirely. Rather than viewing our body's responses as evidence that we've failed, we can begin recognising them as evidence that our nervous system is doing exactly what it was designed to do. Our bodies are remarkably wise. Sometimes they simply become so good at protecting us that they struggle to recognise when protection is no longer needed.
Why stress follows us into the bedroom.
Many people imagine that sex happens from the neck down. In reality, our entire life comes into the bedroom with us. A stressful workday, the unresolved argument from yesterday, parenting, financial pressure, body image concerns, chronic illness, fertility struggles, past trauma, performance anxiety or years of receiving messages that sex is shameful or dangerous, all become part of our nervous system's ongoing assessment of safety.
Our system doesn't simply forget these experiences because we've decided it's "time for sex." Instead, they continue influencing our capacity for connection, often without us even realising it. This helps explain why someone can deeply love their partner, genuinely want intimacy & still struggle to experience desire or pleasure. It isn't necessarily because attraction has disappeared. Rather, the nervous system may still be asking whether enough safety exists for connection to occur.
Stress affects much more than our thoughts. It influences our breathing, muscle tension, hormones, attention & emotional availability. When our body is working hard to manage stress, there may simply be fewer resources available for pleasure. This doesn't mean you need to remove every source of stress before you can enjoy a fulfilling sex life. Rather, it highlights the importance of helping your body experience enough moments of regulation & connection that intimacy feels more accessible, even in the midst of everyday life.
Understanding this isn't about making excuses or blaming stress for every sexual concern. Instead, it's about replacing shame with understanding. When we understand why our body is responding the way it is, we become far more able to respond with curiosity rather than criticism.
The accelerator & the brake.
One of the most influential frameworks for understanding sexual desire is the Dual Control Model of sexual response, developed by researchers Dr Erick Janssen & Dr John Bancroft & later translated into everyday language by sex educator Dr Emily Nagoski in her bestselling book Come As You Are.
The model proposes that our sexuality is influenced by two systems working together.
The first is the accelerator (sexual excitation system), our brain's "turn on" system. It notices cues that signal, "This is a great time for sex." Feeling emotionally connected, affectionate touch, flirtation, novelty, privacy, feeling desired or anticipating intimacy can all activate the accelerator, although these cues are subjective & vary greatly from person to person.
The second is the brake (sexual inhibition system), our brain's "not right now" system. It notices cues that suggest sex may not feel safe, comfortable or appropriate in that moment. Stress, fatigue, conflict, pain, fear of pregnancy, body image concerns, trauma, feeling rushed or emotionally disconnected can all increase pressure on the brake. From an evolutionary perspective, this system helped ensure we weren't doing something as vulnerable as having sex while a bear, tiger or warring tribe was nearby.
Every person has both an accelerator & a brake. What differs is how sensitive each system is & what experiences activate them. Some people have highly responsive accelerators. Others have particularly sensitive brakes. Neither is right or wrong; they're simply different nervous systems responding to different experiences & learned histories.
One of the biggest misconceptions about desire is that if it's low, we simply need to press harder on the accelerator. We plan more date nights, improve our communication, buy new lingerie, read another book or search for another technique. While these approaches can absolutely be valuable, they often overlook something incredibly important. If your nervous system is standing heavily on the brake, pressing harder on the accelerator rarely creates the response you're hoping for.
Sometimes the more helpful question isn't, "How do I increase desire?"
It's:
“What might help my body feel safe enough to connect?”
For many people, this question changes everything. Instead of viewing low desire as a personal failure, they begin recognising it as information about what their nervous system needs, what their body has learned & where healing may begin.
Regulation isn't just about becoming calm.
When people hear the phrase "nervous system regulation," they may imagine someone who feels calm all the time & who remains completely unbothered by the world. That's not the goal. Life will always include stress. There will be difficult conversations, grief, illness, parenting, deadlines, uncertainty & change. A healthy nervous system isn't one that never experiences activation; it is one that can recognise activation, respond with awareness & gradually return to a place of safety & connection.
Regulation isn't about eliminating difficult emotions. It's about developing flexibility; the ability to notice what your body is communicating, understand why it's responding that way & develop the tools to gradually return to safety & connection. As we begin understanding our nervous system, we become better able to move between these states with greater awareness, choice & self-compassion.
This flexibility is particularly important when it comes to intimacy. Sexual connection requires us to be emotionally present, physically aware & vulnerable. When our nervous system is overwhelmed or focused on protection, those experiences naturally become more difficult to access.
Rather than asking yourself to simply "relax," it can be far more helpful to ask:
"What would help my body feel a little safer right now?"
Sometimes that might mean slowing your breathing, taking a walk, repairing after conflict, reducing stress elsewhere in your life or simply acknowledging that your body has had a difficult day. Small moments of regulation don't just reduce distress; they create the conditions for connection.
Your body isn't broken.
One of the most meaningful moments I witness in therapy is when someone realises:
"My body isn't working against me… it's been trying to protect me."
For many people, this realisation changes everything. For years they may have believed their body was defective because they struggled with desire, experienced pain during sex, found it difficult to become aroused or reach orgasm, or noticed themselves shutting down during intimacy. Viewed through the lens of the nervous system, however, these experiences often begin to make much more sense.
Avoiding sex, feeling numb, losing desire, experiencing pain, freezing during intimacy or finding it difficult to remain present are all experiences that can be incredibly distressing. Yet many of these responses can also be understood as adaptive strategies that developed to keep us emotionally or physically safe.
Our nervous systems are shaped by our experiences. Childhood relationships, previous partners, cultural messages, religious beliefs, trauma, chronic stress, medical procedures & significant life events all contribute to the way our body learns to respond to intimacy. This is one of the reasons I find the nervous system such a hopeful framework. If our body can learn protection, it can also learn safety. Every new experience of being understood, respected, accepted & emotionally safe becomes another opportunity for the nervous system to update its expectations. Over time, connection begins to feel less threatening & possibility begins to replace protection.
That is where healing begins.
The beautiful thing about safety.
Safety doesn't simply reduce distress. It creates possibility.
As our nervous system begins experiencing greater safety, many people notice changes that extend well beyond their sex life. Communication becomes easier. Conflict feels less overwhelming. Affection becomes more comfortable. Curiosity begins replacing fear. Pleasure becomes more accessible & connection feels less like something that must be forced.
This isn't because someone has suddenly "fixed" themselves.
It's because their nervous system finally has enough capacity to move beyond protection & towards connection.
Of course, safety isn't something we achieve once & keep forever. It is something we continually cultivate through our relationships, our environment, our self-awareness & the way we care for ourselves. Every experience of being understood, respected, accepted & emotionally safe teaches the nervous system something new. I like to use the metaphor of drinking water: we can't remain hydrated on one sip; we must consciously & continuously drink to stay hydrated. The nervous system isn't a set & forget process; it takes conscious effort to build safety.
A different way of thinking about sexual wellbeing.
For many years, conversations about sexual difficulties have focused on performance with questions like; How do I increase my libido? How do I orgasm more easily? How do I improve my technique? How do I fix what's wrong?
These questions are understandable, but they don't always take us to the heart of the issue.
Perhaps the more helpful question isn't:
"What's wrong with me?"
Perhaps it's:
"What has my nervous system been trying to protect me from?"
That single shift moves us away from shame & towards understanding. Away from self-judgement & towards self-compassion. Away from trying to force our bodies to perform & towards creating the conditions where pleasure, intimacy & connection can naturally emerge.
Healing rarely begins with pushing harder. It begins with curiosity. It begins with learning to listen to the body rather than fighting against it. It begins with recognising that safety isn't simply the absence of danger, but the presence of trust, connection, regulation, choice & self-compassion.
When those foundations begin to strengthen, our relationship with sexuality often changes alongside them.
Working together.
If this article resonates with you, know that you don't have to navigate this journey alone.
My approach to therapy is grounded in understanding the whole person, not simply the presenting concern. Together, we'll explore how your nervous system has learned to protect you, make sense of the patterns that no longer serve you & develop practical tools that support lasting change. Whether you're navigating low desire, painful sex, anxiety, trauma, relationship challenges or simply feeling disconnected from yourself, our work isn't about forcing your body to change. It's about understanding it with compassion.
Because when we stop asking, "What's wrong with me?" & begin asking, "What has my body been trying to tell me?" something profound can shift.
Shame begins to soften. Self-compassion begins to grow & from that place, lasting change becomes possible.
If you're ready to deepen your understanding of yourself, reconnect with your body & create a more fulfilling relationship with your sexuality, I'd be honoured to support you.
Healing doesn't happen by working against your body. It happens by learning to understand it. Because when your body no longer needs to protect you quite so fiercely, it becomes free to do something remarkable. It can begin to connect.
Your nervous system isn't the barrier to your sexuality; it may simply be the doorway back to it.
With pleasure,
Tegan McGie
Holistic Sexologist, Sex Therapist & Couples Counsellor
Empowering change & lasting connection.
About the author:
Tegan McGie is an Australian Holistic Sexologist, Sex Therapist & Couples Counsellor providing online therapy to individuals & couples across Australia. Her work integrates sexology, counselling, attachment theory & nervous system education to help people understand themselves with greater compassion, strengthen emotional safety & build deeper, more fulfilling relationships. She is passionate about translating evidence-based research into practical, accessible knowledge that empowers people to reconnect with themselves, their relationships & their sexuality.
References
Bancroft, J., & Janssen, E. (2000). The Dual Control Model of male sexual response: A theoretical approach to centrally mediated erectile dysfunction. Neuroscience & Biobehavioral Reviews, 24(5), 571–579.
Janssen, E., & Bancroft, J. (2007). The Dual Control Model: The role of sexual inhibition & excitation in sexual arousal & behaviour. In E. Janssen (Ed.), The Psychophysiology of Sex. Indiana University Press.
Nagoski, E. (2021). Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life (Revised & Updated ed.). Simon & Schuster.
Ogden, P., Minton, K., & Pain, C. (2006). Trauma & the Body: A Sensorimotor Approach to Psychotherapy. W. W. Norton & Company.
Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication & Self-Regulation. W. W. Norton & Company.
Siegel, D. J. (2020). The Developing Mind (3rd ed.). Guilford Press.
van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, & Body in the Healing of Trauma. Viking.
Professional disclaimer
This article is intended for educational purposes only & should not replace personalised medical, psychological or therapeutic advice. Sexual wellbeing is influenced by many factors, including physical health, hormones, medications, relationship dynamics & life experiences. If you're experiencing ongoing concerns, consider speaking with your GP or an appropriately qualified healthcare professional.